Coming in HOT with my 2013 Celebrity Death Pool

Just got invited to my first celeb death pool and I gotta say I’m giddy as a school girl. Browsing the facebook group from last year and checking out the updates and comments, I just don’t know how I’ve gone 22 years without this. Just the funniest, most fucking sinister shit ever. Here’s some of the funniest quotes from 2012:

“peace out ray bradbury! 9 points”

“Robin Gibb had a complete blood transfusion last week and is recovering – Talk about bad luck!”

“SO CLOSE (link)”

 

So without further adieu, coming in hot with my picks. Count on me going at least 8 for 15.

 

1. Charlie Sheen – He went through the gauntlet and come out “Winning” but let’s face it, playboy is due for a relapse and he drowns Jimi Hendrix Style.

 

2. Hugh Hefner – Speaking of “playboy”, the 86 year old is a handful of viagra away from fucking himself to death. Can’t think of a more noble way, respect.

 

3. Kanye West – not sure if I’m choosing this as a sleeper pick with the whole Kim and baby thing coming or if I’m just picking him in high hopes, douche bag.

4. Nicholas Cage – Just in poor form lately, he’s really struggling. Ever since the movie with the motorcycle and flaming skull I think he’s been preparing to go…

5. Clint Eastwood – I’m feeling lucky on this one, punk.

6. Oprah Winfrey – No chance in Hell that fat cunt doesn’t have a heart attack.

7. Magic Johnson – 53 years old in AIDS years is like being 107 so uh yeah absolutely picking him.

8. Fidel Castro – come on now, enough is enough.

9. Tom Cruise – Scientology? Really bro?

10. Steven Hawking – Retards only have so much of a shelf-life.

11. John Travolta – do I get extra points if I call a suicide?

12. Lindsey Lohan – def pulling a Ryan Dunn

13. Saif al-Islam Gaddafi – ASSissinated just like pops, knife to the sphincter by a yankees fan

 

(I imagine he looks exactly like this)

14. Courtney Love – Cocaine is a hell of a drug

15. SLEEPER PICK: Frankie Muniz – Child star curse.

Happy Festivus

It’s that magical time of year again. Each year, on the Eve of December the 23rd, the blessed holiday of Festivus. Fuck Christmas. Fuck Hanukkah. Fuck Kwanzaa. Shit is all old school. Now comes the sacred time of the Airing of Grievances; and holy fuck do I have a lot of hate in my heart.

Video won’t embed.

– NBA

I just don’t get basketball anymore. Like we all know its rigged. We all know there are only 4 teams with a realistic shot to win. And to top it all off, the poster boy and “Sportsman of the Year” is possibly the biggest tool in the History of Earth. Somewhere tonight Russell, Bird, and Jordan cry themselves to sleep.

– Gary Bettman

Who thought it was a good idea to let this asshole commission anything? Like did they do this while hammered and their prank came to backfire on them? Truly the most incompetent man ever. The only good part about the winter is hockey and he stole that from me. Suicide watch at the Campagnone house.

– Feminists

Just the worst kind of people. Has there ever been a hot feminist? No. So all the fat ugly broads just bitch and moan because they never get what they want. Hot women get paid better, have better jobs, free dinners and drinks, and we laugh at their unfunny jokes – because they are hot. Feminists are just jealous. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

– The “Gays”

Now, I don’t care that the gays are gay. By all means, have your cake and eat it too. But the gays are a lot like the Feminists – just the most self-righteous cry babies ever. Stop making life harder on everyone else because you’re not happy. Be a fucking team player. Like you don’t have to call in the cavalry every time someone cracks a gay joke.I mean come on, frankly, you guys are very easy to make fun of. Just do your thing and don’t worry what others think. Just stop fucking complaining.

– Barack Obama

Political parties and policies aside, you really piss me off. Just a total shit for brains that only got elected because poor people are stupid and you know it. Don’t piss in my shoes and tell me its raining. Next time take the loss like a real man.

– “Happy Holidays”

Its Merry Christmas. You’ll know a Jew when you see one. You’ll be able to tell from the Yamaka/nose. That’s when you say “Happy Hanukkah”. And if you see black people, still say “Merry Christmas” because well frankly Kwanzaa sounds a bit made up and I don’t think anyone actually celebrates it. Stop being politically correct and grow a pair.

– Christmas Songs

Christmas music people deserve to rot in hell. They started playing Christmas music a week BEFORE Thanksgiving. Give it a rest. Am I the only person that notices its like the same 6 songs?! I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS! AND I’LL BE A MONKEY’S UNCLE IF YOU PEOPLE TRY TO MAKE ME LISTEN TO IT! (If you don’t get that movie reference I hate you)

– Rap Music

Like what happened? Tupac must be rolling in his grave. Cut the ho’s, weed, lambo’s, and mansions shit. You know you’re fucked when “YOLO” becomes a huge hit. Black people, get your shit together and start rapping about shit that matters like Dre and Pac taught you how. If you’re scared go to church.

– Hipsters

Die. All of you die. Just doing obscene and ridiculous things for the sake that no one else does. Grow up. Could you beg for attention any more? Spend less time on your jeggings and lensless glasses and more time trying to work and pay your bills (and you know its fucking bad when I have to say that)

– Memes

Huge year for memes. I’ll admit, I’ve laughed a couple of two, tree times. But christ almighty do less. Do way less. Starting to look desperate.

Reaction to Newtown Tragedy

I could have posted more stuff on Friday. I could have posted something on Saturday. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Being completely honest, and completely unashamed to say so; I broke down. When the details came out and I learned that TWENTY 6 and 7 year old children were gunned down in cold blood I cried. I cried for them. And you can act as hard and tough as you want, but this is just a terrible tragedy. The sympathy and sadness I feel for the parents of those innocent children is indescribable. 

Now here comes the rant. Since I have my minor in Psychology, I actually know what the fuck I am talking about (sorta). As it turns out, this kook Lanza had Asperger’s, which can be a very debilitating disease.He was unable to really feel any pain or emotion. Well, the most dangerous people in this world are the people that not capable of feeling emotion; just ask Richard Kuklinski. Without the ability to feel love, hate, happiness, sadness, etc.we are incapable of feeling human connection. Without that human connection, we see what the result can be. I can almost guarantee that because this kid came from a prestigious, white, wealthy area that they did whatever they could to mask his disorder and cover it up, rather than combat it head on with the proper counselling. This kid was literally a fucking ticking time bomb. It’s sad to have to think that way.  

And now I will go out on a limb and try to tie this in to the Pussification of America. I’m pretty sure each of us remembers the teacher that told us we are “not special“? Well therein lies the problem. We all still think we are special. Facebook and Twitter (and smut blogs…) convince us each day that we are superstars. We are the center of the universe. We believe that everybody wants to know what we do whenever we do it. That is the problem with Generation Y, we should be called the “Look at me! Generation”. We are all becoming narcissists, and about 95% of serial killers are narcissists (go figure). And when there is a lack of attention, kids literally just fucking snap. Just look at Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Newtown.

This is all directly correlated to the Pussification. These are the exact results that come from what our society has become. Generation Y is so fucked up because of our constant need of attention, it has predisposed us to a whole slew of mental and personality disorders. And it will only get worse in the next generation, and so on. YOU are the ones that can prevent this, and change the future generations. When you have kids someday, you need to tell them from a very young age that no one gives a flying fuck about you. You have your family and a select group of friends, that’s it. No one else cares. The world is a cold place. You pick your battles in life and on occasion when you win, you celebrate with loved ones.

That’s just it – we don’t know how to win. Generation Y has had their asses kissed so much. America has been pussified through all the liberal “inclusion” and “tolerance” practices. No one knows how to be the best because we no longer have that distinction. And if there is a champion of sorts then the losers and 99 percenters villianize them for being the best. It is no longer about winning, but that everyone be recognized in some way. This all transcends through participation awards. It’s no longer acceptable to be so much better than the competition. America has become a breeding ground of no-ball pussy losers. And it these losers that need this attention and reassurance is where the problem lies.

So now arrive at a fork in the road. We have a choice to make. Do we continue down this path of “inclusion” and “tolerance” that is softening every fiber of our society? Or do we take America back by teaching our kids that if you want to be the center of the universe you need to work to get it, nothing will just be given to you, because no one cares about you. 

Coming back full circle, I would like to honor those poor kids that had their precious lives stolen from them. 20 innocent children will never move on to high school. They will never build life-long friendships. Never have their first love. Have their hearts broken. They will never know the thrill of driving a car for the first time. They will never get punished for missing curfew. They won’t graduate high school and go off to college. They won’t learn to be independent. They won’t have their chance to rage at spring break. They won’t get their degree, get their first job. Go to Vegas. Buy a car. Buy a house. Find their true love, get married, and have kids. They won’t go through the growing pains of life, and they will never have the chance to someday look back at their lives and smile at all they accomplished. This is a very cruel lesson that life is so very fragile, so precious. We must take advantage of this. If not for ourselves, but to honor those poor kids that will never have the chance to do so.

 

In honor. Rest In Peace.

Charlotte Bacon (6 yrs old), Daniel Barden (7 yrs old), Olivia Engel (6 yrs old), Josephine Gay (7 yrs old), Ana Marquez-Greene (6 yrs old), Dylan Hockley (6 yrs old), Madeleine Hsu (6 yrs old), Catherine Hubbard (6 yrs old), Chase Kowalski (7 yrs old), Jesse Lewis (6 yrs old), James Mattioli (6 yrs old), Grace McDonnell (7 yrs old), Emilie Parker (6 yrs old), Jack Pinto (6 yrs old), Noah Pozner (6 yrs old), Caroline Previdi (6 yrs old), Jessica Rekos (6 yrs old), Avielle Richman (6 yrs old), Benjamin Wheeler (6 yrs old), Allison Wyatt (6 yrs old)

 

 

This drink is for you, kids. Though we didn’t know you, you will be missed. Cheers.

Aaron Murray Can’t Sleep At Night

ESPN – Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray says he has yet to move past what occurred in the closing seconds of the SEC championship game, when the Bulldogs’ hopes for an upset of Alabama and a chance at a national title died at the Crimson Tide’s 5-yard line.

“I can’t sleep at night,” Murray said Wednesday in his first interview since the 32-28 loss to Alabama on Dec. 1. “I literally replay the entire game pretty much every night before I go to bed. It’s stressful. It’s a game that will probably haunt me the rest of my life, honestly.”

I want to feel bad for Murray. I mean he tossed up a fade that just so happened to get deflected. The deflected ball just so happened to fall into the hands of his receiver running an out. His receiver just so happened to fall down in bounds at the 5 yard line. It’s a tough loss in the biggest game of his career. But the asshole didn’t fucking spike it. I can’t feel bad for him, he brought it upon himself. No timeouts left with the ball at the 5 and the clock its temporarily stopped? Spike it! Give yourself 2 chances to throw the fade. I just have no sympathy for such a shithead. It’s basic football fundamentals. Clock the fucking ball. You literally ruined your season and BCS hopes because you wanted to get all dramatic and shit. Well, you got what you had coming to you, and now I hope you die of sleep deprivation.

Does This Look Like The Face Of An Ex-Con That Purposely Got Convicted Again By Stealing $23 So He Could Get Free Healthcare?

 

FoxNews – A federal judge in New York declined to jail a leukemia-stricken ex-convict who said he got himself arrested in order to get health care in prison, according to a report.

The Buffalo News reports that Magistrate Judge H. Kenneth Schroeder Jr. refused a request from a federal prosecutor to jail Frank J. Morrocco, a 56-year-old Amherst man who was arrested in November for stealing $23 worth of items from a supermarket.

Schroeder instead ordered Morrocco — who was convicted of felony drug conspiracy charges in the 1990s and was released last year after serving two decades — to visit Roswell Park Cancer Institute to apply for health care coverage under a program run by New York State, the newspaper reports.

“I’ll take him down to Roswell as soon as possible, and hopefully, he’ll be admitted to the program and get the treatment he needs,” Morrocco’s attorney, Joel Daniels, told the newspaper.

 

This is a classic case of don’t hate the playa, hate the game. I can get mad at Frank Morrocco for trying to scheme the system to get free healthcare, but I can’t find the heart to do it. I mean the guy has fucking Lukemia. Like 18 months tops we’re talking. He’s an ex-felon so he’s obviously not finding a job that pays benefits. There’s only one play here, robbing your local Stop N’ Shop for $23 and getting some free health coverage back in the joint. If you do anything else you’re naive and a sucker. Hey Judge Dick, get off your high horse here and do the man a favor and toss his ass back in the can so he can get some free medical Mary Jane.

Is It Weird This Video Makes Me Hard?

 

Because I think its perfectly normal. ‘Merica.

Has Kanye Called It Quits?

 

 

 

Is this it? Did Kanye just tap out? Throw in the towel? I mean right now the only celeb that can pull off the man-skirt is obviously the Biebs. Kanye is a grown-ass man, supposed to be gangsta and keep it real. How can any gangsta out there that takes himself seriously can listen to Kanye anymore? I mean we’ve seen this shit before; celebs at the peak of their careers just going bat-shit crazy and trying to be outlandish and freaky on purpose to get attention but it ends up destroying them (It’s Brittney Bitch). There’s just no recovery, and Kayne knew that going in. He knew this would destroy him. He wanted this; guy is ready to leave the game. Biggest question now becomes who is less of a man? Humphries or Kanye?

 

If Obama Doesn’t Start Building The Death Star By 2016 He’s A Utter Failure

Source – A petition calling for the Obama administration to build a space station based on the Death Star from the Star Wars film franchise has attracted more than 3,000 signatures. (No idea why this is bold, can’t seem to change it)

The petition, which calls on the US government to “secure funding and resources” and “begin construction” on a Death Star by 2016 needs 25,000 signatories if it is to be considered by officials.

The campaign’s founder, identifying himself only as “John D”, is based in Longmont, Colorado, and registered the petition on the White House website on November 14.

The campaigner sets out a clear brief for the benefits of a homegrown Death Star, including a boost for the American economy and national security.

He writes: “By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.”

…In February, students at Lehigh University in Pennsylvania calculated that the cost of steel alone for a real-life Death Star would be 13,000 times the world’s gross domestic product (GDP), or $872,999,866,900,000 (trillion).

 

This makes 100% perfect sense. I’m serious. Ok sure it costs $875 Trillion dollars but any savvy investor will tell you no risk no reward bro. As a guy that firmly believes I possess the economic policies and knowledge to be the President in 2028, I gotta say this thing is fucking fool proof. You heard the man: job creation through construction, engineering, space cowboys, and those cunts at NASA might even grow. I’m so on board with the USS Death Star its not even funny. 

 

Well NASA Just Fucking Jinxed Us

Find the video HERE

Well, well, well NASA. You think you have the biggest dick on the block and just wanna swing it around huh? Well you virgins are about 10 days too early fuck nuts. We are so screwed now. Like the Milky Way probably decided we were worthy of life after all then these limp dicks start struttin’ their know-it-all shit around town and just like that the Milky Way changed her mind. Aliens, Zombies, Earthquakes, Volcanoes, all that shit you see on TV. It’s happening. If i survive the initial blast I’m driving straight to Houston and tea-bagging any remaining NASA survivors  Dick heads.

 

The Pussification of America Continues: HS Hoops Coach In Hot Water For 107-2 Rout

Yahoo! – Ever since Dallas (Texas) Covenant School’s girls basketball team routed Dallas (Texas) Academy’s girls program 100-0 in 2009, the round-numbered rout has served as the benchmark for brutal blowouts. It was even obliquely cited in an article about another girls hoops blowout on Monday right here at Prep Rally.

Now Covenant may finally be off the sportsmanship hook, thanks to an even more absurd act of poor sportsmanship in Indiana. On Tuesday night, Bloomington (Ind.) South High’s girls basketball squad topped Arlington (Ind.) High’s team by a score of 107-2.

According to the Indianapolis Star, Arlington hit a solitary free throw in both the second and third period. All the rest of the scoring came from Bloomington South, with the team’s coach encouraging his players to keep shooting as the points piled up.

“I didn’t tell my girls to stop shooting because that would have been more embarrassing [to Arlington],” Bloomington South coach Larry Winters told the Star. “We were not trying to embarrass them or run up the score.”

 

I thought we’ve covered this? Been there, done that? The Dallas Covenant School that stampeded those unathletic hoes 100-0 were supposed to be the scapegoat and then parent’s realize “well, ok my daughter is a fuck-up at basketball. I should just enroll her in blowjob classes and mold her into some rich lawyer’s trophy wife”. Listen, if you suck at something, don’t do it. Or do it for fun, but don’t bitch about it. I sucked at golf for a long time but went out just to enjoy myself. Yeah, I shot a 9 on a par 3 but instead of complaining how the course was too hard I tossed in another lip, grabbed another brewski, and got really fucking drunk. Points proven from this rant – don’t complain that you suck, and drinking solves all your problems (even if you pay a Somalian cabby with a fake $100 bill and pass out in front of your apartment at 4am).

 

P.S. This video embodies everything about women’s basketball/sports